Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose To Arizona

10. Ferentz's Last Sand. Saturday is the bronze anniversary of Kirk Ferentz's Little Big Horn. You may recall that Ferentz took a talented, highly ranked Hawkeye football team to the Grand Canyon State and lost to the Arizona State Sun Devils 44-7. It was a thorough beating with a misleading final score -- Iowa's lone score being an 83 yard punt return with 18 seconds left in the game. Expect the Hawkeyes to take a walk down memory lane this Saturday as Ferentz reprises his role as the General George Custer of the grid iron -- massively underestimating the opposition then getting scalped and mutilated on the battle field.
9. Step Up In Class. Going from the Iowa State Cyclones to the Arizona Wildcats is like an MMA fighter following up a Butterbean match with a Brock Lesnar fight. Expect Iowa to tap out early.
8. Foles Me Once. A year ago Arizona walked into Kinnick with an untested rookie QB who could neither throw nor run. The good news is that Iowa ended a career that day. The bad news is the Hawkeyes sparked a new one. Mike Stoops lifted Matt Scott midway in the fourth quarter for Nick Foles who promptly led the Wildcats on a TD drive and by season's end received Pac-10 league honors. Scott has not been heard from since while Foles has become a dark horse Heisman candidate. Expect Iowa to see Scott again, only this time in mop-up duty after Foles repeatedly torches Iowa's vaunted defense in the desert heat.
7. Cinderfellas. Much has been made of the two time zone difference the Hawkeyes will have to manage in this game. And rightly so. The kickoff is 9:30pm CST...so we're asking 18-22 year-old college students to stay up after midnight, and that is clearly asking the impossible. Since there's just not enough time for the players to acclimate to the dramatic time change, don't be surprised when players collectively curl up into a ball toward the end of the third or start of the fourth quarter as the Hawkeyes say goodnight to their National Championship aspirations.

Star-divide
6. Zendejas. It's Spanish for cowards, morons and...oh, wait, that's pendejas. Well, Zendejas may as well be Spanish for "three points." Arizona place kicker Alex Zendejas Jr. comes from the first family of place kickers. His uncle Luis left Arizona State as the all-time leading scorer in NCAA history (a record since broken) and his other uncle Tony was the first kicker to complete an NFL season having successfully converted all his field goal attempts. His father Alex was an accomplished college kicker as well. Expect that family tree to fall on Iowa as they resort to flipping a coin to determine whom they want to shank their one field goal attempt. 5. Get Rick Quick Scheme. Tim Kish and Greg Brown, the co-defensive coordinators for Arizona, learned a lesson last year in Kinnick. After watching Stanzi deliver a made-to-order interception for a TD last year the coordinators plan to invest heavily in the Iowa quarterback. These guys will have the Wildcats living prosperously thanks to their vaunted Ponzi defense, a scheme in which Stanzi underwrites the whole thing by providing an ever-increasing flow of interceptions.
4. Cover Your Eyes. The Hawkeyes are currently listed as a 1 1/2 point favorite for this Saturday against the Wildcats. The Hawkeyes are 1-0 against the point spread (ATS) so far in this young season but that is to be expected given the competition. What is eye popping though is that Iowa owns a 72-47-2 record ATS in the last ten years. Given that the Hawkeyes soundly beat this team last year, are ranked a gaudy 9th in the AP poll, and are coming off an almost perfectly played game, it seems as if the wise guys in Lost Wages are trying to tell you something by listing this game as a near toss-up. An upset appears to be the smart money and why not, Iowa can't cover kickoffs.
3. Parker Posey. Word is that Norm Parker's health may prevent him from flying and thus he will not be able to attend the Arizona game. A Hawkeye defense that takes the field without Parker on the sidelines is akin to an Ashlee Simpson SNL Performance. Expect the Hawkeye defense to exit the stage in utter humiliation while the band plays on in embarrassment.
2. Welcome to Narcissism...with your host, Kirk Ferentz. Rex Ryan has nothing on Kirk Ferentz and his merry band of blowhards. No team in college football personifies overconfidence more than this Hawkeye team. That nauseating self-aggrandizing performance on Saturday against Iowa State has likely paved the way for a humble, low key team to shut these arrogant bastards up once and for all. And frankly, college football will be better for it.
1. DJK. Need I say more?

38 comments:

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  6. Yes don't need to say more !

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  7. Used to live in Tucson so this is related to my interests. Good read!

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  8. I was an Aggie for a long time. I wish we had a better team.

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  10. I don't even keep up with sports, but the sheer braggadocio of this post made me applaud. Arrogance at its finest!

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